Trolley

As I hug his body to mine, my senses go into overdrive. I smell the wonderful mix spice and whiskey as I hold him close. The male scent that I love, I need to have it linger with me when he is no longer there to touch. My senses in hyper now  as I run my fingers over his well muscled body. His lips touching mine send heat throughout my body. A thought sneaks into my brain, I wish this day was not coming to an end. Instantly I try not to waste the last minutes we have together for a long time,Image thinking about this.
I want to get every visual I can in my mind to savor until we see each other once again.
Every touch, smell, feeling and memory shoved into my brain. These will last me until the next time we meet up. I look forward to our time together, when it happens. Our lives are so different we just don’t get time together very often.
When it happens I have to store everything in my mind for when we are apart. I need something to hang onto, something to make me happy until the next day we are together.
Tears run done my cheek as we say goodbye and he crosses the street to board the trolley.
I head up the gray street to head home.
We met in a class on creative writing, I felt an instant connection when he introduced himself. Some people do not believe in a connection between two people from the moment they meet. I have been skeptical up to the moment I met Sean. I felt a jolt the moment I saw him. I guess you could call it ‘Thunderstruck’, a weird feeling like a volt of electricity crossed through my body. Kind of disconcerting for me, I am very open but at times I still have a hard time believing things I cannot see and back up with fact.
Sean and I started hanging out after class, discussing assignments and ideas for projects.
I love to talk to him he brings a whole different world to mine. In a very non-threatening way. Something that I was not used too in my home life. My life partner is very autocratic in his personality. He is always telling me how to do everything. I miss being able to share my opinion and my thoughts without being told that they were not correct.
How I need to fix this and that. It was a welcome change to have someone who listens and does not try to correct me.
He is quick to cheer me up when I am down. Sean seems to know what I am feeling sometimes when I haven’t even figured it out. He is so vibrant and free, I feel alive when I spend time with him. That is something that I have lost along the way of just plodding through life.
Time flies by at the speed of light when we are together. Whether we are silent, talking or just wrapped in each others arms, our times together are some of the best times in my life.
I love to stare into his brown eyes and see if I can read his thoughts. We share our dreams for the future and discuss what holds us back and why. Soul mates we are, I guess. If only things were not so complicated.
Somewhere in my past I came to a time where I just was not comfortable being alone. Sometimes we don’t know what we are looking for and Instead of taking the time to figure it out we just take what comes along and seems to fit okay. You know like one of those puzzle pieces you can get to fit, even though it really doesn’t belong there. I came to a point like that several years back. I was really struggling having gotten out of a career that didn’t meet my needs and now trying to figure out one that would meet my needs. During this time I met my life partner, Darrell. I was at a party and a friend introduced us. We hit it off right away. I enjoyed being around him and we spent a lot of time together. Eventually moving in together, I started to notice there were some differences in our lifestyles. Some of them subtle and some a little disturbing. I
Decided at the time that I could deal with the situation because we were in a getting used to things phase. We have now been together for over ten years. I have kept this situation going because I am comfortable and don’t want to rock the boat and figure everything out
again.
That brings us to the current pickle as I would love to be free to see Sean more and to stretch my wings and experience life on my own terms. Since life is complicated, I am in a state of trying to figure out where I am going and when I am going. I want to leave, but we have built a life together and taking it apart would be painful and complicated. I am torn at this point. Trying to figure out what to do. When to do it and how to do it so it will be less painful for all involved. Like I said life is complicated.
I savor the memories I have of this weekend as I walk up the street and head towards my car. I turn on our music and put the top down as I start the long drive home. I am satisfied for the moment with the memories I have of this time together. I know in the back of my mind the longer it is before we are together again, the harder it will be to keep me going on memories.
I turn out onto the highway and head up the winding road home. Warm sun feeling good.